Apparently I’m not a blogger. If you’ve been following along and patiently waiting for this latest blog entry, then you know that. Amazing patience, by the way. It’s not that I don’t write. I do, in fact, write almost daily. However, it’s not publishable material. Or maybe it is and I just suffer from severe imposter syndrome and I’ve been wasting my life away when all along I could have been the next Charles Dickens (or perhaps more Edgar Allen Poe since I have a tendency towards doom, gloom and melancholy at times). Either way, I have not blogged for a long time. 4 years.
“What have you been up to, Amanda?” you might ask. Thanks for asking. A lot. And yet nothing at the exact same time. My soul has been on quite the journey. Lots and lots of personal growth and Ka-Blam mind blowing realizations. And yet here I am, still in the exact same place as I was four years ago. I feel like I am immobile. Motionless and not having moved at all. Let me pause and attempt to bring it to life for you – I feel like I am perched just on the edge of greatness. Something so great I can feel its energy pulsing into and through my heart, lifting my feet gently off the ground; my chest is lifted and open and I feel like I am ONE with whatever that greatness is that is just out of reach. I can SEE it, and FEEL it for brief moments, but it is not within my grasp. It sits and waits for me, just out of reach. Far off in the distance I can look “over there” at the greatness that awaits me, but I have no actual way of getting to it. And so, I pause, and I sit, and I wait. Working hard to just be still and accept that what is meant for me will find me. I try to “be ok” with feeling the energy from afar and trust the process; stop trying to control life. Do you have any idea what it feels like to live just on the edge of greatness?! And I’m not meaning this in an egotistical way. I do firmly believe that I am destined for greatness. But, to clarify, I don’t think that that means I am going to BE a great person, but rather that my life will FEEL great to me. I know, I know, most of you out there are thinking to yourselves ‘your life is already great, you just need to be content and stop searching for more. Why can’t people just be happy with what they have?!’ This I know. You might very well be correct, and I am open to that. I am not actively fighting against that idea. I am just not there yet on my journey. I am trying not to search; to push; to reach; to make things happen to get me to that greatness. But it is very frustrating to feel that pulse calling to your heart and just accept or let things be as they may.
Anyways, as I sit here feeling that constant pulsing energy of greatness yet still am not moving towards it, here are my current (albeit it grand and quite spectacularly random) beliefs about life and balance.
- The more you learn and think you know, the more you realize that you actually know nothing at all. Honestly, we’re all still like newborns when it comes to understanding the vastness, the infinite that is beyond the little bubble we have metaphorically wrapped ourselves in.
- Everything in life happens in polarity. There is an equal and opposite ‘side’ to everything. That is how the world stays in balance.
- Because there is an equal and opposite side to everything, everything also has its own spectrum. Nothing/No-one can be completely on one side or the other of each and every thing that comes our way. Most of the time we will fall somewhere in the middle.
- We are ALL struggling with the EXACT same thing – just with different perspectives because of where we fall on the limitless number of spectrums of polarity in front of us. But really, we are all struggling with being human as we attempt to live on a big ball shooting through space. It’s been said a million times, I know, but really there is no other way to say it. Our struggles are “different” but in the grand scheme of things it just comes down to struggling with being human.
What more can I say? I no longer see balance as “make sure to exercise” or “make sure not to give up the you things.” Those are all well and valid and important. But in the grand scheme of things, those are all the pieces that are required to understanding your humanness and accepting that we will never actually know all of the things that we need to know in order to stop our struggling as a human. That is why life is about the journey, not the destination, I guess.